What is our best self?
Welcome to Bold Kindness: The Blog
I’m Jeanni Potter, an interpersonal coach, ex-perfectionist and ‘awesome ideas’ collector.
Empowering ideas are my favourites - ideas that help people be their best self - and influence others to be their best.
If you feel like your real self is buried under layers- or you would like others to feel free to be their real selves - and relationships to be healthier - then I’d love for you to join me in this blog. Welcome!
I’ll bring my coaching skills expertise and my trial-by-fire experience - and you bring your perspectives, stories and great questions.
There’s several ways we can converse - through the Facebook page, Instagram or Twitter, newsletter, in the online workshops and in a subscription follow-up community.
In this first blog post, let’s look at what is our “best self”.
And why it’s hard to be our best self when it’s hiding under protective layers.
I’ll share how I opened up to me - in the hope that it encourages you to explore you. I hope you’re intrigued and excited by the search!
Feelings alert: I share my thoughts deeply, honestly and respectfully - with a gentleness that life shows to me, even in the midst of difficulty.
(If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, please see the section Links in the menu for resources, or if you need therapy or support). My thoughts are meant to offer new perspectives and encouragement in your journey of growth. Let’s begin!
Best self … hmm. Is that the perfect self?
You may have noticed that I said I’m an “ex-perfectionist”. Isn’t “best” self just a spin on “perfect” self, you may ask? No-o-o - and let me explain the difference by asking you this:
“Think of a situation in which you felt like you were your “best self”.
where were you?
who was there?
what were you doing?
perhaps at a celebration or maybe in a difficult situation?
were you part of an event like a team sport or a concert?
or awed by nature, like the night sky?
were you passionate about something or someone - an idea or cause, a spiritual connection, or an activity or event?
did you feel empathy, compassion and generosity towards yourself and others?
were you aware of a bigger picture - yet also feel very present?
did you generously contribute to a group experience - and take joy in the shared outcome? Or grieve deeply at loss, feeling so raw and real?
did you realize you made a difference - just by being you?
In those timeless moments, perfect performance isn’t even an issue.
Words like flow, fully present, appreciation, alive, playful, deeply connected and compassion are words people use to describe the experience.
If only we knew how to stay in those moments, where being our real, best self feels effortless.
What is this “best self”? Not a perfect self, no, it’s our authentic self.
The person no one can imitate - totally unique in time and space. No one has our exact history and experience, present situation or future.
Every human being is born curious, insightful, present, caring, connected, multifaceted, thriving, valuable, passionate, and purposeful.
We each have strengths and limitations that interconnect us with the strengths and limitations of others.
We’re a unique piece in the dynamic puzzle of life! We’re not responsible for the whole puzzle - or all the answers (as I once mistakenly thought I needed to be - that’s SO exhausting!).
We just need to be us - and engage wholeheartedly in life. Being ourself ripples - and makes a difference to everyone!
For many people, the experience of feeling authentically our best self is either fleeting or non-existent.
The real self is buried deep inside - underneath layers of pain and misconceptions.
How do we uncover our real self?
Are other people hiding, too, under complex layers?
Can we help them open up - and have healthy and enjoyable relationships?
Missing person: you
In childhood, it seems we’re freer to be our genuine real self - we run, climb, and play with abandon. We’re curious, honest, trusting and full of wonder. In an ideal world, we would flourish.
But children are raised by complex adults - who are often struggling with their own pain and misconceptions. And if adults struggle to deal with difficult life experiences and relationships - and they do - then children, who don’t have a developed brain or life experience, really struggle to understand and cope.
When we are children, we often blame ourselves for problems in order to have some sense of control in difficult situations. “If only I was X . . . then things would be better”.
We generalize our perceptions of what we see from a child’s point-of-view into ‘all-or-nothing’ beliefs, like “I’ll never trust anyone again” or “all men-or all women-are scary” to survive and to avoid being in the painful situation again.
And sadly. . . we hide the real, unique and vulnerable parts of ourselves to be safe(r) from harm, humiliation and betrayal.
We may dissociate from our feelings, avoid confrontation - or we may rage. We escape into anything from perfectionism to addictive behavior (even healthier ones like reading or sports) or sink into an altered reality. Hiding, while helpful as a vulnerable child, isolates us from the nuanced wisdom and joys of life.
Without safe, wise and compassionate people to share our struggles with, shame starts growing inside us. We feel disempowered, inadequate, flawed, unwanted, disconnected, and afraid of exposure.
Brene Brown says that shame makes us feel “unworthy of love and belonging”. We may blame others for our feelings - or turn on ourselves in self-contempt.
We go to great lengths to avoid seeing or feeling our shame - such as over-compensating by being “successful” and a perfectionist, or having a “devil-may-care" lifestyle, or zoning out on life.
But the real self is in there, too, waiting until it’s safe to come out.
From our shame-filled perspective, we see other people’s compensatory behaviour - and we think other people are great. We think that “it’s just me that’s an imposter” and fatally flawed. Until . . . we venture out to discover that almost everyone feels the same on the inside! My favourite part of workshops is when people realize that it’s crazy for other great people to think they’re so desperately flawed! And then they think: “maybe, just maybe, I’m not fatally flawed either???” It becomes time for an adult rethink about childhood misperceptions!
I’d like to share my story of finding me under my shame.
Missing person: me
I was a quiet child who loved reading, neighbourhood games, crafts, building tree houses and go carts, sleepovers with friends, and summer travel with family. Being the oldest of my siblings - and a year or two older than my friends (due to a late start to school) - I felt extra responsible to be a good example for others. I enjoyed learning and had a few close friends.
At puberty, I searched for a reason for the teenage awkwardness, avoidance and disconnection I was feeling. I saw that beautiful girls made people become vulnerable and glowing - and I concluded my awkwardness was because I was ugly. (My braces and acne added to my misconceptions). I can tell you the exact moment, standing in my stairwell at age 14, that the real me stepped back from life - into an awareness of being ugly, inadequate and unwanted. I wanted to be invisible to hide my shame. Similar situations became a trigger for me for years.
As an adult, I’ve learned the issues in my situation were complex, but to my young mind, my conclusion explained everything wrong in my life. The problem is, those immature beliefs and emotions get wired into our brain - and even as adults shape how we interpret life, make choices and create our story - so our beliefs become reinforced.
On the outside, I looked successful. I dressed well, I threw myself into my roles as a student, therapist, wife, mother, friend. I tried to be wise and kind.
But inside, I felt dissociated, aloof and afraid. I was self-conscious, spoke as little as possible, and tried to be and do the “right” thing, perfectly. There were people, times and places where my real self emerged - but I lived more through my roles than as a wholehearted human being.
I remember, too, the exact moment, in my late thirties, when I disclosed my secret self to my counselling training group. I realized - from people’s disbelieving and kind faces - that the lie that I’d told myself - that I was ugly, inadequate and unwanted - wasn’t any more true for me than the childhood lies believed by others in the group. So my looks weren’t the reason for my difficult earlier experiences? My perfectionism wasn’t needed as a camouflage for my shame? I did a huge rethink on my life.
Did I open up to discover that I’m really a beauty queen? No, but I had a mind-shift in perspective. In that moment in my group - and through some later difficult experiences, I learned that beauty is a multifaceted concept, that love makes anyone radiantly beautiful - and there are many enjoyable sides to me.
I share my story with you to encourage you to think about your relationship with your real self.
do you feel free to be you?
who were you as a young child?
did you hide yourself in painful situations?
what . . . and how did you hide?
what belief did you have that gave you a sense of control over the chaos. “If only I was or wasn’t X . . . then everything would have been much better”.
what vows did you make as a child about life and how to avoid pain? “I will always, I’ll never . . .”
what have you used to compensate for your ‘flawed’ self?
These are very important questions.
Please be compassionate with yourself as you think about your answers.
If this blog post surfaced some intense feelings, I encourage you to journal, go for a walk in nature, pray, meditate or do relaxed breathing, talk with a trusted person, or seek counselling as you explore deep feelings around these questions. (see the link tab if the feelings are overwhelming).
Take your time. Discovering facets and depths to ourselves and others is a lifelong journey.
For now, open yourself to the possibility of more mature ways of seeing things - and we’ll be discussing how to do that in this blog series.
With each new perspective on life that we consider, we revisit our life in a new light. That makes life such an interesting journey of growth and discovery!
In our continuing blog posts, there’s so much more to explore together on what helps us to be our best and authentic self. And how to influence others to be their real self. Opening up to our best self is just the first step!
See you in the upcoming video version and in the next blog!
Jeanni )i(
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