Aspiration

A-n-n-e with an e, Jo in Little Women, Frodo in Lord of the Rings. Since childhood I’ve loved stories of salt-of-the-earth characters who influence their world with their kindness, insightful wisdom and courage. They become brave for the sake of the people they love. 

Delightful people (or hobbits!), filled with curiosity and wonder, they see beyond the status quo - and feel injustice deeply. They balance their own dreams with the good of others. They battle inner and outer adversaries - from temptation and painful triggers - to the dark side of everyone. When battles subside - people see things differently - they are wiser, kinder, braver, and more understanding.

As a shy teen and young adult, I wanted to be that wise, kind and brave person. I studied the humanities, health sciences, theology, counseling, meaning and purpose.

I became a therapist, a wife, a mother to four miraculous human beings. First on board for new programs and ventures, I loved the idealism and enthusiasm. I nervously tried to speak and influence for the good of everyone. 

It all sounds wonderful, except that I defined good as “right” - and I was afraid of mistakes (to me, that meant shame, judgment, and rejection).

Filled with fear - and love - I tried to do the right thing in the perfect way - without upsetting anyone. And I expected the same from others.

How is that even possible? The stage was set for trouble.

Deep struggle

Near mid-life, as I was dealing with disappointment in my efforts to help people, I was inspired to write a book on personal influence.

Circumstances had suddenly changed - and destabilized, I struggled with my own and others misconceptions and unresolved issues about what it means to be a loving influence. I faced some deep issues and learned important insights, but the more I tried to make my circumstances stable and “right”, the more chaotic life became.

I wish I could say that I was always a hero. As the months - and even years - passed, and what I thought was the god-given basis for my “right” life was blocked, I became an angry person I didn’t recognize in the mirror.

Full of fear and shame, I felt stuck as a victim in painful circumstances, triggered constantly by past pain, over-reactive and completely exhausted (see Blog post 1 “What is our best self?” for how unresolved pain keeps us from being our best self).

Compared to the “nice” codependent person I used to be, what had I become??? Not the wise and loving person I wanted to be. I felt disqualified from writing a book on influence.

I wanted much better for my family and my legacy and searched desperately for answers. I read - and read - and read (thanks Harriet Lerner for the dance analogy and Dan Allendar for “Bold Love” as a change strategy) and so many authors who met my needs at just the right time.

I met with counselors and journaled volumes.

I wrestled deeply with misconceptions about my faith (thanks God!).

My hospital workplace gave me access to courses and workshops that were helpful to my clients- and to me (like self-compassion).

And countless hours were spent talking with great people (you know who you are - and thank you!)