Aspiration

Jo in Little Women, Anne with an e . . . since childhood I’ve loved stories of salt-of-the-earth characters who discover the genuine in people . . . underneath their defensiveness and insecurities. By really seeing and caring for people, the lead character softens defences, opens closed minds, shares delight and discovers other sides to troubled stories.

As a shy teen and early adult, I wanted to influence people to be and become their true selves in healthy relationships. And for them to influence others in being genuinely kind. I studied the humanities, health sciences, theology, counseling, meaning and purpose.

I became a therapist, a wife, a mother to four miraculous human beings. First on board for new programs and ventures, I loved the idealism and enthusiasm. I tried to discover and influence the good in everyone. 

It all sounds wonderful, except that I defined good as “right” - and I was afraid of mistakes (to me, that meant shame, judgment, and rejection).

Filled with fear - and love - I tried to do the right thing in the perfect way - without upsetting anyone. And I expected the same from others.

How is that even possible?

Life has a way of exposing our deeper issues - and challenging our unrealistic stories about how life works.

I’d thought I trained to help other people in their struggles. I was asked to write a book on influencing.

But I discovered when it’s you who is struggling in overwhelming circumstances, theory is . . . theoretical - and everything gets challenged - values, motivations, choices, relationships and old stories of why and how things happen(ed).

Deep struggle

It started with a sudden and painful job loss that left our family struggling in every way to understand why, as we had been passionately involved in helping others. Other areas of our life were impacted - where to move, schooling, losing close relationships, and our reactions and expectations. As life spun out of control, I felt like I was tumbling in an emotional dryer, glimpsing the world spin outside the window.

Our new circumstances unmoored me from my patterns and rules of “right” living, and I wrestled with anger, disappointment, and unmet needs, both my own and those of people around me. Instead of fear-based rigid rules to direct me, I had to develop internal boundaries - and learn to make loving choices for the best interests of everyone.

In the process, I saw past roles to the real and enjoyable essence of people. I learned to influence with integrity and compassion . . . in the midst of the messiness of people and life. Real presence and vulnerability was way better than rigid roles.

I wish I could say this made me a hero, ready to write a book on influence.

Chapter 2 of my story took me to deeper realities of myself and others.

As the months - and even years - passed, and the circumstances in our lives and in those around us grew dark - and my efforts to fix things backfired as they interacted with the issues of others - I became so angry that I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Who was that distraught person looking back at me in my mirror?

Full of fear, shame and resentment, I felt stuck as a victim in painful and hurtful circumstances, triggered constantly by past issues, over-reactive and completely exhausted (see Blog post 1 “What is our best self?” for how unresolved pain keeps us from being our best self).

Compared to the “nice” (aka codependent) person I used to be, who/what had I become??? Not the wise and loving person I wanted to be! I felt disqualified from writing a book on influence.

I wanted much better for my family and my legacy - and I searched desperately for answers. I read - and read - and read (thanks Harriet Lerner for the dance analogy and Dan Allendar for “Bold Love” as a change strategy) and so many authors and leaders who met my needs at just the right time.

I met with counselors and journaled volumes.

My hospital workplace gave me access to courses and workshops that were helpful to my clients- and to me (like self-compassion, narrative therapy, collaboration and motivational interviewing).

And countless hours were spent talking with great people (you know who you are - and thank you!)