Aspiration

Jo in Little Women, Anne with an e . . . since childhood I’ve loved stories of salt-of-the-earth characters who discover the genuine in people . . . underneath their defensiveness and insecurities. By really seeing and caring for people, the lead character softens defences, opens closed minds, and discovers other sides to troubled stories.

As a shy teen and early adult, I wanted to influence people to be and become their true selves in healthy relationships. And for them to influence others in being genuinely kind. I studied the humanities, health sciences, theology, counseling, meaning and purpose.

I became a therapist, a wife, a mother to four miraculous human beings. First on board for new programs and ventures, I loved the idealism and enthusiasm. I tried to discover and influence the good in everyone. 

It all sounds wonderful, except that I defined good as “right” - and I was afraid of mistakes (to me, that meant shame, judgment, and rejection).

Filled with fear - and love - I tried to do the right thing in the perfect way - without upsetting anyone. And I expected the same from others.

How is that even possible? The stage was set for trouble.

Deep struggle

Near mid-life, as I was dealing with deep disappointment in my efforts to help people, I was inspired to write a book on personal influence.

My life circumstances had suddenly changed - and destabilized, I struggled with my own and others misconceptions and unresolved issues about what it means to be a loving influence. I faced some unresolved issues and gained important insights, but the more I tried to make my circumstances stable and “right”, the more chaotic my life became.

I wish I could say that I was always a hero. As the months - and even years - passed, and what I thought was my god-given basis for my “right” life became more and more blocked, I became so angry that I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Who was looking back at me from that very real mirror?

Full of fear and shame, I felt stuck as a victim in painful circumstances, triggered constantly by past pain, over-reactive and completely exhausted (see Blog post 1 “What is our best self?” for how unresolved pain keeps us from being our best self).

Compared to the “nice” (aka codependent) person I used to be, who/what had I become??? Not the wise and loving person I wanted to be. I felt disqualified from writing a book on influence.

I wanted much better for my family and my legacy and I searched desperately for answers. I read - and read - and read (thanks Harriet Lerner for the dance analogy and Dan Allendar for “Bold Love” as a change strategy) and so many authors and leaders who met my needs at just the right time.

I met with counselors and journaled volumes.

My hospital workplace gave me access to courses and workshops that were helpful to my clients- and to me (like self-compassion).

I wrestled deeply with misconceptions about faith that were keeping me stuck in helplessness and entitlement (thanks God!).

And countless hours were spent talking with great people (you know who you are - and thank you!)