Caring for your best self
Welcome back!
In the Bold Kindness Blog series, I offer empowering ideas that can help You be your best self
and bring out the best in others - for everyone’s benefit
I love sharing ideas when I walk and talk with my friends! Time flies while we catch up on life!
I invite you to continue our blog walk together, as we look at how to take care of our vulnerable best self.
I hope reading What Is Our Best Self? gave you insights about being the best You!
did you reflect - and remember You, underneath your protective layers?
do you remember why you hid the real You? And how?
and do you remember times in your life where the real You showed up - and made a difference?
I hope so - because you have!
In our blog journey together, we’ll explore more in later posts about what makes you You
as Dr Seuss says “There’s no one alive who is you-er than You”
despite any negative thoughts, YOU are a unique expression of be-ing and purpose in this world!
an important piece of the puzzle
Right now, let’s look at how being our real self can work, in an adult world.
You may ask: if we’re our real selves as adults, won’t we just get squelched, again?
In this post, I’ll share a simple framework that works well to keep the inner child safe and thriving.
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What if we were our vulnerable inner child all the time? It may be fun, but there would be problems, like we would
be taken advantage of
play when we needed to work
want rewards NOW, instead of considering the future
Remember the movie 13 Going On 30?
Jennifer Garner’s 13 year old teenage character is granted her wish - and finds herself living in her adult body!
she hilariously struggles to integrate her inner child and her “mature” adult self
( The 13 Going on 30 Movie trailer )
So, how do WE bring our inner child into our adult life?
in a way that enriches our life?
and without getting trampled on, again!
I’d like to share a simple perspective that I use to protect, grow and be the real me.
it’s adapted from TA - the Parent/Adult/Child model
it helps me to quickly understand what’s going inside me - and in others - and how best to respond
TA is Transactional Analysis, as outlined by Thomas Harris in the book “I’m Ok, You’re OK”.
Harris’s key idea is:
Everyone has a Child, a Parent and an Adult aspect in them
Three versions of us - that we bring to our relationships
the (healthy) Child version
it’s the real, creative, spontaneous, unfiltered us, trusting us
the (healthy) Parent version
nurtures, comforts, guides, and protects the Child Us
the Adult version
is the objective, balanced, reasonable part of us that sees the BIG picture - and wants the best for everyone
Harris says there can be difficult sides to our inner Child and Parent
the Child
lacks life experience, is gullible, and can be self-focused and demanding
the Parent
is protective of the family unit, so can fear mistakes, be critical and controlling, and default to traditions, the status quo and safety rules
the Adult
has no down sides, really (unless the Adult can’t also be a Child and Parent)
the Adult is objective, innovative, looking for the greatest good and can flex the Parent’s rules, when it’s the wisest thing
TA was created as one way to understand and influence relationships patterns. (We can look at TA interpersonal dynamics and the neuroscience of influence in later blogs).
The most important relationship we have is the one with ourself - and it influences all our relationships.
And I’ve found TA Child/Parent/Adult ideas helpful in understanding one way to be - and to take care of - our best self.
Using TA to care for our best self
A child can only safely be a spontaneous and vulnerable child IF parents/adults provide the conditions the Child needs to flourish
the Child needs to feel secure
… knowing they’re loved and nurtured
… for who they really are (and not who the parent wants them to be)
… even when they make mistakes - as mistakes are part of human learning
2. TA says WE have a Parent mode in us!
SO . . .
. . . WE can step up to be the Parent that gives/finds our Child what they need/want
. . . WE can comfort, guide and protect our Child self with loving boundaries
. . . This is the essence of self-compassion (more later)
. . . The Parent Us can be part of our real self, too, if it reflects our values
Yes, I agree, it is wonderful when other people comfort and care for us!
we’re wired for relationship, neuroscientists say
we learn so much about ourselves and others in relationship
healthy relationships enjoy play and being real - and provide comfort, feedback, support and structure - that allows the individuals and the relationships to grow
The DECISION, however, to be the one who ultimately comforts and protects us, finds us what we need and want, and protects us - is a mind-shift. It moves us in a new direction, gives us a sense of being in the driver seat of our life.
I remember when I depended way too much on how people treated me
my codependence made me be my worst self - and made it difficult for people to be truly helpful
yes, sometimes people were SO kind and available
at times they were busy
and sometimes they unknowingly projected their issues onto me, which was confusing
Being a Parent to ourself means learning to recognize our own needs, and what works best for us, in a variety of situations
Socrates said “Know thyself” and we have the privilege of becoming the expert on us. No one else lives in us 24/7
and yes, this does take a long time to learn to do well
but the decision to do this shifts us into a whole new direction
After I faced the childish lies I’d believed about myself, that kept me hiding the real me (as I shared in the last post), I felt myself growing up quickly. I saw things differently
my wise counselling professor said to me “The Adult you is caring for the Child you”
I reflected and realized I had an adult/parent self that was now caring for the real inner child me
when I’m feeling wounded and vulnerable, I think of his word
If we’ve had traumatic parenting, it’s true that it’s harder to love ourselves
the Parent Us can learn to offer our wounded Inner Child what’s needed to be safely real and heal
we can find caring mentors who can teach us a variety of skills
we can take parenting/adulting classes
life skills are just skills - and they can be learned
we can learn compassion for ourselves and others (more on this later) that allow us to love ourselves, like a healthy parent does
healthy spirituality can give us a bigger sense of connection, love, and purpose that can empower us to be us
learning to care for ourself can be fun!
snuggling up in a warmed-up blanket is my favourite comfort
find healthy(ish) and fun friends (no one is perfect!)
lots more self-care ideas in other posts
Questions for Reflection
1. Remind yourself again, who is the Child in you?
how do you show creativity and playfulness?
is there an inexperienced or wounded side to the Child in you?
are you at times demanding or self-focused?
2. Does the Parent in you want to nurture, protect and provide for the delightful and creative Child you?
And provide for the needs of the inexperienced or struggling Child in you?
maybe Chocolate!!! Now!!! is what our frustrated Child wants (or any go-to guilty pleasure) - but our Inner Parent can gently remind us that a fast walk (or whatever works well for you) may de-stress us in the short - and also the long - run.
Note: I love chocolate! It’s the why and overindulging - that causes us more problems
do you have “parent issues” - and want to rebel against any guidance? including your own?
it’s SO different when We choose to be a loving and fun Parent, who creatively wants the best for us!
and our Adult (or Inner Child) can choose to say “No” to the Parent’s advice and find other ways to respond.
3. Is the Adult in you becoming wiser in seeing the big picture for your life - what You really need and want to be your best? and the impact You’re having on others?
4. Who do you know that integrates their Child, Adult and Parent well? And can inspire you to be fully You?
Like my friend who made “campfires” out of toys in my living room when our kids were small - and sang rowdy camp songs with us, while we ate marshmallows! I was such a serious person - and she showed me how to have fun with my kids.
I love Jennifer Garner’s Tik Toks like “The Pretend Cooking Show” and movies like “Yes Day”. (Links)
In her mid-life, Jennifer uses her Inner Child to invite the Child out in everyone
she’s vulnerable, playful and real (Inner Child emphasis)
in the midst of being a caring mom (Parent emphasis)
and an actress and generous volunteer (Adult emphasis - and Parent and Inner Child)
Note: You may like Jennifer’s style and be inspired - or not
o Jennifer is Jennifer and You are You!
o as different as apples and bicycles and desks
o all unique in purpose and place
o who inspires You to be fully You?
5. Do you tend to live in just one version of you?
maybe as the Parent, always taking care of needs, giving instructions and opinions?
to yourself, as the Inner Critic or Coach
or to others?
or are you more the Child, living for the moment - but neglecting responsibility?
6. How can you use your Child, Adult and Parent to care for - and be - the real, best You?
Let me know in an email message if you like.
I don’t currently offer 1:1 therapy - but I can encourage you!
And join me in a live workshop, where we learn with people who understand us.
Thanks for our Walk ’n Talk!
I hope the Child/Parent/Adult TA based ideas are helpful in becoming the best and real You.
If you think someone you know may like the ideas, feel free to send the them the link or post on social media.
These ideas are just ONE of a number of great tools to add to our toolbox.
I look forward to continuing our journey together!
Join me in our BK Newsletter to learn more about Bold Kindness, the next blog post, video tip, upcoming workshops and events, or books or podcast recommendations. I would love to meet you there!
~~* Jeanni )i(
www.boldkindness.ca